Fifty Shades of Grey - Review

50 Shades of ummm...

A day after its release I still hadn’t read one singular positive thing about the film adaptation of E. L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey, so of course the logical thing to do would be to go and see it for myself and try to pick out something, anything, good about the film. I’m not even certain I would have been able to do that if I hadn’t of fallen asleep. Yep, I fell asleep. If that in itself doesn’t give you a sense of where this post is going, how I felt about the film and how disengaging it was, then you’ll probably like it. 

Fifty Shades
> Still greater than film

The cinema was pretty much sold out with the exception of a few odd lonely chairs dotted about, we sat in the middle of the middle; perfect seats (I now wish we had shit ones because I’m telling you it would have been a blessing in disguise). Customers ate their popcorn and drank their tango ice blasts whilst chatting excitedly for the much anticipated 50 Shades, but little did they know the salsa that my nachos were being dipped in was going to be the sauciest thing in this cinema. 

What an anticlimax. 

There’s more chemistry in a high school science class than between Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan, both on screen as Anastasia Steel and Christian Grey and off screen. In the build up to the release everyone had been talking about Glamour Magazine’s painfully awkward interview in which the actors answer questions from fans on an iPad, now if you haven’t seen it you need to watch it. Here you go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5lem_fUC88 If you didn’t manage to make it through Dakota’s blunt answers and Jamie ironically being in agreement with everything she said then I can save you the bother and let you know right now that you’d rather ‘shit in your hands and clap’, ‘eat your own skin’, or ‘chew glass’ than piss glitter over this movie because it’s that same non existent chemistry and their non existent ability to be entertaining just amplified by a thousand and on a bigger screen. 

Many people have began comparing the film to Twilight. Can we all reflect on how slated Twilight was? Yet it’s now being named ‘still a better love story than 50 Shades’. Although she’s not completely talentless, Dakota Johnson fails to portray any emotion in the entire film - Hello there, 2015’s Kirsten Stewart! 

Frankly, the actors did not suit the roles and the film was almost as bad as the books were written. The best thing about 50 Shades of Grey was the soundtrack, but I wold advise you to just turn on the radio to hear Ellie Goulding’s ‘Love me like you do’ because those 3 minutes will give you more entertainment than the 125 you’ll throw away trying to enjoy something that will do nothing more but cause excruciating boredom and a dry vagina - because I know that’s the only reason you want to see it really. 

So when you’re sat in the cinema already regretting your decision to pay a tenner to see this crap and you see the elevator close after the first scene, take that as your queue to leave too. That scene is repeated at the end and I can promise you that you will have gained nothing from the experience and you will wish it was that first scene again so you can just get up and get the fuck out. (Unless you want to stay and see the Audi, because it's honestly the sexiest thing in the film).

50 Shades of absolute Shit.